i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
