Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
