Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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