No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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