can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
