I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
