listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
