so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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