how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
