my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I look better un-naked...
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
