Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
