just tell him i said nine months
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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