yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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