Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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