Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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