I can tuck mytits in my pants
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
