I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
