Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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