i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
