Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
