my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
