Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
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