There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
