We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
