I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
