Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
