Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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