I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
