my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Swine flu is the new snow day.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize