Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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