First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Randomize
