i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
