well I can't set my house on fire every night
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
