and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
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