my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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