Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
