like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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