im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
