Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
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