Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
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