please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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