i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Randomize