I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
