I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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