Cold hands, warm shart.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
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