My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
