If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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