The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
