Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Found your dick twin last night
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Randomize
