yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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