so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
