May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
