True but thats because hes a fetus.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize