At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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