oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Randomize
