All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
