she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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