She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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