moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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