:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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