My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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